What’s emotional detachment in marriage?

Emotional connection is like playing catch. You throw a feeling or thought (“I’m feeling overwhelmed today”), and your partner catches it (listens and tries to understand). Emotional detachment is when the game stops. Maybe you don’t feel like throwing anymore (withdrawing), or your partner isn’t catching what you’re throwing (not listening or seeming distant).

What can cause emotional detachment in a marriage?

It's a mix of things. Sometimes, it’s leftover fights we haven’t quite dealt with, or maybe we just haven’t been talking much lately. Of course, bigger things can play a role, too, like if there’s been infidelity or someone’s been struggling with addiction. Even mental health stuff like depression or anxiety can make it hard to connect. Then there are bad habits that build up over time, like always avoiding tough conversations or shutting down when you should talk it out.

How can you overcome it?

Those long, late-night talks when you shared everything used to be a highlight of your marriage. Now, conversations feel forced, filled with logistical details or polite small talk. Maybe you find yourself confiding in friends or family more than your spouse.

Reignite the spark by scheduling dedicated talking time. Set aside 10 minutes each day, distraction-free, to simply talk. No phones, no TV, just focused conversation. Take turns choosing topics, or use prompts like “What’s something you’re looking forward to? And practice active listening. Give your spouse your full attention, make eye contact, and ask clarifying questions to show you’re engaged.

Do you feel like a roommate?

You share a living space, but evenings are spent in separate corners, engrossed in whatever pursuit has your attention this month. Sex may have dwindled, or it feels more like a chore than a connection.

Evict the roommate and get your spouse back by planning quality time together. If a date night isn’t possible, try to “do life” together more. Sit next to each other on the bleachers at your daughter’s volleyball game. Do the week’s grocery shopping together while your kids play at the neighbor’s. Be intentional about physical touch. Non-sexual affection like holding hands, cuddling while watching TV, or giving a quick kiss on the cheek can be a powerful way to reconnect.

There’s an emotional wall.

You feel like you can’t share your true feelings with your spouse. They seem uninterested or dismissive when you try to express yourself, leading you to bottle things up.

Break down the barriers by starting small. Pick a manageable topic and share your feelings calmly and using “I” statements: Instead of accusatory statements like “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel hurt when I try to talk and you seem distracted.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about where your marriage is right now…

Find comfort knowing this happens to many couples, and feeling emotionally detached doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Taking the initiative to address emotional distance is a powerful act of love and commitment to your marriage. Here at St. Louis Marriage Coaching, we are committed to helping you create the marriage of your dreams (Turning roommates into soulmates). We offer in person, by phone, or via Zoom.